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An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.
Why are tails so mean?
They just need to be caudaled
Why is the spinal column so audacious?
Because he's got nerve!
Why is the eye like the moon?
They're both in orbit!
Did you know?
Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.
Q: What is a paramecium?
A: Two latin mice
Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you
Q: Where does a hippopotamus go to university?
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Q: What did the biologist couple name their twins?
A: One was Jessica and the other one was Control
What does an anatomist give you when she is mad?
Why did the student fail the cadaver lab?
She just couldn't cut it
I heard hamburger has less energy than steak because hamburger is in the ground state.
- What does one do with a dead body? Barium in a krypt-on
- Maybe he was killed oxydentally.
- They should have seen the doctor first, he'd Curium.
- Ah, barium anyway, just to see how he reacts.
- better though to have helium.
- Perhaps with a housplant, a Germanium.
- And if they stole it, the police would Cesium.
- Locked up for life, in Irons.
- They would go crazy in jail, a Silicon.
The politically-aware chemistry student protested by carrying a picket sign that stated: "Free Radicals Now!"
The best chemists would definitely not be pet owners. Their idea of a catalyst:
- 2 bags of cat litter
- 3 cans of cat food
- 1 can of flea powder
- 1 collar
Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his factory? His business went insolvent.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, Yes! We got 'em!"
-- a particular area of study
-- doing stuff in a lab that would be a felony in your garage.
One flask says to the other flask, "Cool it! You're Over-reacting!
What gas never cries? Nitrous Oxide (Laughing Gas)
What do you call a swim team made up of girls named Jennifer? Hygrogens!
8 sodium atoms walk into a bar... followed by Batman. (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na - BATMAN!)
- What fruit contains Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa!
- Teen 1: Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together?? Teen 2: OMg!
- Chemistry Cat wants to know: If Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar...is it there?
- What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
- A neutrino walks into a bar...but he was just passing through.
- Dogs are made up of calcium, nickel and neon (CaNiNe)
What is the name of the first electricity detective?
Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Assistants:
- I'm not going to grant any extensions.
- Call me anytime. I'm always available
- It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
- Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
- My other section is much better prepared than you guys.
If Avogadro calls, tell him to leave his number.
Never trust an atom... they make up everything!
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you!
“One benzene ring to rule them all,
One benzene ring to find them.
Six sigma bonds to bring them all,
And in the solvent, bind them.”
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned; I couldn't concentrate.
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
A Relative Limmerick
There was an old lady called Wright
who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night.
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a hardware issue.
Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
Q: What did one lab rat say to the other?
A: "I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.
There has been too much action in reaction to political scandals.
Please write to your congressman to repeal Newton's third law.
How about the chemical workers… are they unionized?
Where do you put dirty dishes?
I was reading a book on anti gravity.
I found it difficult to put down.
Q: What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
A: "You may have graduated but I've got many degrees"
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Godel replies, “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
The last words of a chemist?
"... and now for the taste test."
Why don't we take all these chemistry jokes and barium?
A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church, and the priest asks "Why did you come?"
Boson replies "Are you kidding? You can't have mass without me!"
Two guys walk into a bar. The first guy says, "I'll have some H2O." The second guy says, "I'll have some H2O too."
The second guy died.
There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
Q: Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?
A: Because it's pretty basic stuff.
What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties? Methylated spirits.
Q: What do you call a clown who's in jail?
A: A silicon.
Q: What did one ion say to the other?
A: I've got my ion you.
Q: Why did the acid go to the gym?
A: To become a buffer solution!
Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.
Q: Why did Chlorine's sisters Boron and Carbon lock her in the closet?
A: Because she was too attractive!
Q: Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen?
A: They bonded well from the minute they met.
Q: How can you spot a chemist in the restroom?
A: They wash their hands before they go.
Titanium is the most amorous metal. When it gets hot, it'll combine with anything.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had that many crabs on your bottom.
Submitted by Kim G. - Stony Brook University
What did one paramecium say to the other paramecium? You're cilia than me!
Submitted by Kim G. - Stony Brook University
Leonard: Sheldon! We have to do this!
Sheldon: No. we don’t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep us from dying. Everything else is optional!
--From Big Bang Theory
Submitted by Carl B at University of Denver
Mary had a little lamb, she doesn't any more. For what she thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Trinitrotolulene to students is quite appealing. We tried some out in class today, the floor is now the ceiling.
You Pb me to believe he's dead. I Zn he won't survive. Ba in the ground you fool, do you Zn he's still alive?
Submitted by Greg W.
Q: What emotional disorder does a gas chomatograph suffer from?
A: Separation anxiety.
Q: What do you call Iron blowing in the wind?
Submitted by Bob at Gannon University
Q: What do you call a microbiologist that has traveled to every country in the world?
A: A man of many cultures.
A methodologist's wife had twins. He was delighted. He rang the minister who was also delighted. "Bring them to church on Sunday and we'll baptize them," said the minister. "No," replied the statistician. "Baptize one. We'll keep the other as a control."
Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. “I think not,” he says, and vanishes in a puff of logic.
Something to Ponder:
- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Taxes?
- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician were observing an empty building. They noted two people entering the building and sometime later observed three coming out.
The biologist remarked, "Oh they must have reproduced."
The engineer said, "Our initial count must have been incorrect"
The mathematician stated, "Now if one more person goes into the building it will be completely empty."
Optimism vs. Engineering
The optimist sees a glass as half full.
The pessimist sees it as half empty.
The engineer sees a glass that is twice as big as it needs to be.
The Lady Gaga Periodic Table Song:
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist placed the ball in a beaker of water and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial number in his red-rubber-ball table.
Star light, star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Oh wait, it's just a satellite
Q: What do programmers and cats have in common?
A: When either one is unusually excited, an appropriate question is "Did you find a bug?"
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender says "Do you all want something to drink?"
The first logician says "I don't know."
The second logician says "I don't know."
The third logician says "Yes."
Funny Science Puns
- Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
- 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
- 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
- Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
- 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
- Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
- 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
- Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
- 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
- Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
- Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
- 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
- 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
- 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
- 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
- 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
- 52 cards = 1 decacards
- 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
- 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
- 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
- 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
- 10 rations = 1 decoration
- 2 monograms = 1 diagram
- 4 nickels = 2 paradigm
Murphy's Ten Laws for Experimentalists:
(1) If something can go wrong, it will do so just before your grant is up for review
(2) If the reading on your detector is correct, then you forgot to plug it in
(3) If several things can go wrong then they will do so all at the same time
(4) If nothing can go wrong with your experiment, something still will
(5) Left unto itself, your experiment will go from bad to worse
On the other hand, if you pay attention to the experiment then it will take three times longer to complete than you thought it would
(6) Nature is both subtle and malicious
(7) A straight line will never fit your data, and using a wiggly line will result in the rejection by referees of the publication of work
(8) If you make a great discovery today, you will find a major error in your methods tomorrow
(9) In contrast to a radio, banging your apparatus when you are at peak frustration will not fix it but permanently break it
(10) When your experiment is just about to succeed, you will run out of grant money
Old chemistry teachers never die, they just fail to react.
What did the biologist wear on his first date?
If an experiment works, something has definitely gone wrong.
Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Can't be done, sorry, it's a hardware problem.
Two tectonic plates bump into each other.
One says, “Sorry. My fault.”
A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Bunsen, my flame! I melt whenever I see you!" said the ice.
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.
Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes.
Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.
Q: If a mole of moles were digging a mole of holes, what would you see? ?
A: A mole of molasses.
Q: What is the chemical name of the following benzene-like molecule?
PhD PhD \ / C - C / \ C C \ / C - C
Q: What is the chemical name of the following benzene-like molecule?
4 \ C - C 4 / \ / C C \ / C - C
An electron sitting in a prison asked a second electron cellmate, "What are you in for?" To which the latter replied, "For attempting a forbidden transition."
Q: If H-two-O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
Q: What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy?
A: Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Q: What is the name of the molecule CH2O?
Q: What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
❤ ❤ ❤ Scientist Pick-up Lines: ❤ ❤ ❤
- Are you the square root of 2? Because I feel irrational when I am around you.
- If I were an Enzyme, I'd be DNA HELICASE so I could unzip your genes!
- Even if there were no gravity on Earth, I'd still fall for you.
- You're more special than relativity.
- Like the ideal vacuum, you're the only thing in my universe.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent!
A mushroom goes into in bar and says: “A round of drinks for everyone!”
One customer says to another, “Well, he seems like a fun guy.”
There are 10 types of people in the world:
Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side!
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.
Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."
Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square.
He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!"
Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter -- You found Pascal!"
Why can't you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
Where does bad light land?
A photon checks into a hotel.
The bellhop asks, "Can I help you with your luggage?"
It replies, "I don't have any. I'm traveling light."
How many theoretical physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the Universe.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first says, "Ill have some H20."
The second says, "I'll have some H20 too."
The second one dies.
Q: How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?
A: An itsy bitsy book.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates!
If H-two-O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A: A ferrous wheel
Fe - Fe / \ Fe Fe \ / Fe - Fe
Argon walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases in here!"
...Argon doesn't react.
Susan was in chemistry. Susan is no more, for what she thought was H2O was H2SO4.
A Handy Guide to Modern Science:
- If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology
- If it stinks, it's chemistry
- If it doesn't work, it's physics
Why are chemists so great at solving problems? Answer: Because they have all the solutions.
We would like to apologize for not adding more jokes... but we only update them.... periodically!
Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
Making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
(Fe)male = male with iron added for greater strength, ductility and magnetism.
Q: What is the name of the molecule bunny-O-bunny?
An ether bunny
What do you do with dead scientists?
How does the failing chemistry student answer this exam question: "H2O is the formula for water. What is H2O4?"
"Washing, Cleaning and Drinking"
The past, the future, and the present all walked into a room at the same time...
It was tense.
A Neutron walked into a bar and asked the cost of a beer.
The bartender replied, "For you? No charge."
Three statisticians go duck hunting. A duck flies by, and the first fires a shot, which goes a foot too high. The second tries, but his shot goes a foot too low. The third jumps up and shouts: “We got it!”
I told a chemistry joke in class, but I got no reaction.
Nitrogen asked Oxygen out on a date, Oxygen said NO.
Oxygen and Potassium once went on a date. It went OK.
Murphy's Laws for Experimentalists:
- if something can go wrong, it will do so just before your grant is up for review
- if the reading on your detector is correct, then you have forgot to plug it in
- if several things can go wrong then they will do so all at the same time
- a straight line will never fit your data, and using a wiggly line will result in the rejection by referees of the publication of work
- if you make a great discovery today, you will find a major error in your methods tomorrow (experienced experimentalists call this effect "here today, gone tomorrow")
Top Reasons to be a Chemistry Student
- All the coffee you could want
- Cool safety glasses
- Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances
- Because it's pHun!
- Access to 100% ethanol
- Learn to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies
- Always have plans for Friday night: Work in lab
- Desire to be blamed for all faults in the environment and causes of cancer
- Become a master chef at poverty cuisine
The Question of 2+2
Several scholars were asked "What is 2+2?"
The engineer whips out his calculator and answers "3.99."
The physicist pulls out some technical references, models the problem on the computer and proudly announces "The answer is between 3.98 and 4.02."
The statistician replied "I need more data points."
The philosopher replies "What is the meaning of 2?"
The psychologist replies "How does 2+2 make you feel?"
The medical student replies "4."
The others look at him and ask, "How do you know?"
He replies, "I memorized it."
Timmy's teacher asks the class, "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Timmy pipes up and replies, "HIJKLMNO!!!"
Timmy's teacher asks, "Where did you get that from?"
Timmy replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"
Why Science Teachers are not asked to monitor recess:
REPLIES TO AN INVITATION TO A SCIENTIST’S BALL
- Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
- Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
- Volta was electrified and Archimedes, buoyant at the thought.
- Ampere was worried he wasn’t up to current research.
- Ohm resisted the idea at first.
- Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
- Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
- Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
- Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
- Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
- Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
- Audobon said he’d have to wing it.
- Hawking said he’d try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
- Darwin said he’d have to see what evolved.
- Mendel said he’d put some things together and see what came out.
- Descartes said he’d think about it.
- Newton was moved to attend.
- Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Why do tigers have stripes?
So they don’t get spotted.
What did the receiver say to the radio wave?
Ouch! That megahertz.
What do astronauts do when they get angry?
Where did the lightning bolt propose to his girlfriend?
What do you call two dinosaurs that have been in an accident?
Teamwork is essential, because you can always blame someone else.
A sign outside the chemistry hotel reads "Great Day Rates, Even Better NO3-'s"
Why are chemists great for solving problems?
Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn't put it down.
Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen?
They bonded well from the minute they met.
The doctor tells a woman that she has only six months to live. He advises her to marry a chemist and move to Toledo.
The woman asks, "Will this cure my illness?"
"No," replies the doctor, "but it will make six months seem like a very long time."
Two physicists walk into a bar.
The third one ducks.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
Blonde Scientist Joke
Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field on a fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks.
"Those are deer tracks," the first blonde stated.
"Oh no," she said other, "Those are definitely moose tracks."
With this, they began to argue.
In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.
A scientist investigating behavior in bullfrogs notices that when startled by a loud noise the frog jumps.
Deciding to experiment further he yells "Jump" and notes that the frog jumps a distance of 4 feet.
He then cuts off a front leg, yells jump and the frog jumps 3 feet.
He cuts off the other front leg, yells jump; the frog jumps 2 feet.
He cuts off a back leg, yells jump; the frog barely manages to jump 6 inches.
Cutting off the last leg when he yells jump the frog doesn't move. He yells louder; the frog doesn't move.
In his notebook the scientist concludes: "A frog with no legs becomes deaf."
What are some of the dangers associated with DHMO?
Each year, Dihydrogen Monoxide is a known causative component in many thousands of deaths and is a major contributor to millions upon millions of dollars in damage to property and the environment. Some of the known perils of Dihydrogen Monoxide are:
Death due to accidental inhalation of DHMO, even in small quantities.
Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO causes severe tissue damage.
Excessive ingestion produces a number of unpleasant though not typically life-threatening side-effects.
DHMO is a major component of acid rain.
Gaseous DHMO can cause severe burns.
Contributes to soil erosion.
Leads to corrosion and oxidation of many metals.
Contamination of electrical systems often causes short-circuits.
Exposure decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
Found in biopsies of pre-cancerous tumors and lesions.
Given to vicious dogs involved in recent deadly attacks.
Often associated with killer cyclones in the U.S. Midwest and elsewhere, and in hurricanes including deadly storms in Florida, New Orleans and other areas of the southeastern U.S.
Thermal variations in DHMO are a suspected contributor to the El Nino weather effect.
(What is DHMO? www.dhmo.org)
A Quote from Einstein:
"Everybody is a genius.
But if you judge a fish by its
ability to climb a tree,
it will live its whole life
believing that it is stupid."
~ Albert Einstein ~
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully half of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.
4. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread.
The effects are obviously cumulative:
- 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
- 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
- 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a
low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
5. Pass a law to limit all use of bread to two slices.
The Incredible Shrinking Science Jokes!
It's a calamity.... we're running out of jokes! Do you have a favorite science joke that WE haven't heard? Or perhaps an amusing anecdote from the lab that deserves a wider audience? CP Lab Safety wants YOUR best original or classic scientist humor! Email us your submissions today!